On the Last Love Letter

I remember, when this year started, I told myself, this year would be all about making my dreams come true. To begin with, I thought I can make my dream to visit Siquijor a reality. While I failed, I tried.

Then in March, I watched one of my all time favorite bands perform live. When I heard them perform Your Hand in Mine, I know in my heart that was a dream come true. It’s but a very simple one, I’m sure some would say. But to me, a girl who hardly goes out, that was pretty something. I was smack center at some festival ground, and I was my happiest. When I bring myself back to that memory, my heart is filled with so much joy. That was a moment of fulfillment. That was a moment I thought I would never get to have yet I turned it not just into a reality, but even more, into a moment no one can ever take away.

I am a dreamer. My mind, most of the time, is up in the clouds. I have so many dreams. Sometimes, I resign myself to the concept of my list being just a list. That because I have so many dreams, I can’t make them all come true. Realities also get in the way. At any given time, when I return to my list of dreams, I know of the immensity of my hindrances, but I continue to dream anyway. My dreams are sometimes all I hold on to. My dreams define who I am, because these dreams move me. Wherever I find myself in, I know it’s part and parcel because I dreamed to take myself there, one way or the other.

And for the record, every time I do find myself in a dream come true moment, I feel so humbled and shaken. I find it difficult to believe that my dreams, my wildest dreams, get to be my reality. When I live the lives I only once dreamed to live someday, I feel so overwhelmed.

In my list of dreams, I wanted to matter. I wanted to do something that would matter, be part of the bigger and hopefully greater picture. Wala lang.

I feel very happy today because finally we launched this passion project I get to be a part of, Dream Machine. It’s not MY dream, but it doesn’t feel any less to make someone else’s dream come true.

But I also feel very sad because today was a dream come true moment, and I have an answer to that one question I always try to answer when I want to do some self-check on my feelings. I lift from One Tree Hill Season 5 Episode 13: When all of your dreams come true, who do you want standing next to you?

Amidst the busy day, in some parallel way, I know my mind was wandering. I know I was thinking, if I lose D, I will lose a lifetime of dreams. I know if I lose her, I will lose the calm, this beautiful solid ground I have rooted myself on this past hundred days. I will lose the purpose behind those days. I will lose not just a person, but my person. I will lose that someone I know, in its fullest sense, I love as a whole, I love with my entirety, I love without question.

I know if I lose D, without her, life would lose its luster. Perhaps I will find something that will shine every now and then, but the sun will burn less brighter. I will lose that gentle reminder, to be kind, to be graceful, to be careful, to be brave. I will lose over a thousand songs. I will lose half of this earth. I will lose at least four shirts. I will lose a few toys.

I’m scared. I’m scared to lose her because when I think of it, I sometimes don’t know if I have a fight. I don’t know if I can tip the scale. I don’t know what I can offer to be the better choice. I’m scared because I know how I can be temporary. I know I always tell people, I’m extraordinary and that I’m one of a kind and that I’m irreplaceable because there’s no one like me. But sometimes I just say those things so that maybe if I say them a lot they will come true; that someone would believe me, agree, and make those fancy dream selves come true.

People say, you know you’re with the right person when that person makes you want to be a better person. And while that is my case when I remind myself of how D has affected me. I think as a default, without even thinking hard, without even having a reason to validate it, D has improved me on so many levels. So I don’t know if that verifies the whole I’m with the right person concept. I think I don’t need to see her effect on me to even realize that to me, she is the person I should be with.

Anyway… inspired by today’s muse, here is my version of the last love letter.

If I lose you I will gain
This depth I didn’t know I have in me
I will earn a hundred floors to lie in
With hopes for a photo, stolen just to catch a smile
I will gain a hundred rooms
A hundred unkept sheets of sneaking good mornings
The sun rising in every east

If I lose you I will gain
Five years of figuring it out
All over again, I will gain
So many new things to fear
Chances to be brave
If not for someone else, for myself
An unnecessary display

If I lose you I will gain
A thousand unsent letters
All written in blood
From my beating heart that knows
Only to spell your name
Even when no one’s listening, but I

If I lose you I will gain
Another name to call myself
A new invisible tattoo
Unsaid vows I have written with the stars
The constant yes in my mind
The unforgotten sound of your voice
Haunting day and night
Wanted by every grain of sand

If I lose you I will gain
The deepest form of failure
The most painful of all bruises
Perhaps one I will tell myself
I’d get over somehow, someday
Like I always do
But I will still gain
The weight of the world if I lose you
I’d gain a life unlived
Should’ve been lived
With you
With us
With the feeling of being sure
Of being right
With this always I have gained
When I saw you locked in my eyes
Also looking quite happy
To have found me

She Used to Be Mine

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