Into the woods

Arresting. That’s how I would describe Jim Carrey’s documentary I Needed Color. D shared it earlier, but didn’t get the chance to watch because I was busy. Now, as I wait for Uber surge to go down, or away, I’m reduced to a ball of tears. His film was sublime. Part of me was so proud of baby Joel. Another part was just so proud of this amazing human. He’s got some beautiful stories up his sleeves. His words, what he shared in his documentary, quickly found its way under my skin and now all I have are these vibrations. It’s magic.

My favorite among the paintings shown in his documentary is the blazing heart, of course. What he was saying while the frame showing him work on this particular piece lingered felt so good. It felt so good to hear someone say things with so much truth. I knew I was having a rough day, and that I declared today to be one of those shitty days–first day of my unexpected period, SMH–but what a comeback. I guess I just needed color too.

Watch the documentary here:

Passion

Earlier today, M and I were talking about passion. Is it something you have or develop? Is it something you need to have for your career to be worthwhile?

I love those discussions with M because it feels very sentimental to me. It’s a dual experience. Sometimes, I still find myself feeling so lucky we’re friends. I would always fondly recall those days we would roam around school. Like, literally roam in circles as we wait for our sundos and not worry about anything. I’m pretty sure back then, we weren’t that close yet. We probably didn’t know how to be a friend to each other yet (the way we know being a friend to someone means now); but we had what we shared. Looking back, I had no idea those little memories would build up into this friendship I whole-heartedly value now. If I were to list a limited number of important things in my life, M would always be there. M has been a constant, my constant. I guess it’s safe to say that I’m passionate over our friendship.

I’m smiling right now because I just remembered the number of times we imagined ourselves growing old, and remaining best friends. I have never wanted anything more with another human being. I’m passionate over the depth of what we’ve shared thus far.

Color

I try to find beauty in everything. One of the things that I really enjoyed agreeing to in Jim’s documentary is the part where he said everything in life is trying to say something to us (or at least, that’s how I understood it). If you believe that everything happens for a reason, I believe everything happens because they should happen. Slight change of words, but to me, I feel like there’s a jump in meaning. I think things happen because they should. More than the reason, I see their inevitability. More than the logic and purpose behind everything that has happened to you, I think there’s fate.

I know people are obsessed with their free will. I know I’m obsessed with the concept of I get to do what I want because my life is mind to mold. But there’s something extra when I look the other way, and try to imagine things to be part of a greater plan: one that we can’t see from where we’re standing, and one that we can mildly scratch the surface off if we look with wiser eyes. I love the whole idea of a bigger picture. I love realizing how small of a speck I am.

I think that’s also why I love The Universe concept. I love the stars, the galaxies, and the expansive immensity of our general unknown. I think it’s humbling to accept that no matter how hard we try, we can’t ever have it all. No one can ever have it all. But that’s not something to be sad about. There’s something beautiful in everything, that’s what I believe in. Whether your hands are full or grasping, between the lines that make your palm is something beautiful that is uniquely your own.

Best part? It’s always yours to hold. It’s so easy to forget that we all have the capacity to touch and be touched by beautiful things. Even more, make beautiful things only if we try. If we really decide to, I think we can all create beautiful things.

Few years ago, I started this project I named Chase Beautiful Things. Wink If you know me know me, you know what that project is. For so long, I would always live by those words. When I’m sad, I’d pick myself up and say chase beautiful things. When I’m happy, I’d cheer myself on because I chase beautiful things. But that all changed when someone made me realize I should stop chasing beauty. That I am beautiful. That was a lovely memory.

I think the hidden struggle in each day is our aimless and sometimes subconscious efforts to find something we need. In the documentary, Jim mentioned his painting becoming something he didn’t know it’d be from the beginning. He mentioned how his paintings telling him things about him from even a year ago. That to me was touching. I think, while life is an endless opportunity to discover and be amazed, we ourselves are an endless revelation. On days I feel pointless, lost, or judged, I would sink into my center and remind myself that I’m more than what I know.

If I’m more than what I know, I’m definitely more than what other people think.

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