On hold

The past few days have been challenging. I can’t pin it down, or to be honest, I think I”m just in denial. I know what’s wrong. I just don’t want to acknowledge it. I don’t want to give my issues power over me. I have this weird thinking that acknowledging them will give them legitimacy.

I remember one time, I was with C, with another person I forgot who (how irrelevant of that person haha); and we were discussing achievements and the whole feeling of not living life to your full potential. My two cents, you should never compare yourself to other people even if they’re of the same age or circle as you because we are all given different privileges and luck. I also said, you shouldn’t feel jealous over how other people’s lives turn out to be like, especially on social media, because that life is curated. Even the most raw person online curates his or her authenticity.
Our experiences of each other online is a curated one. That’s a fact that slips our minds easily because growing up with the digital age makes it feel like our digital lives are one with our real lives. So the next time you feel jealous over that friend who posted a new reason to feel #blessed, take a step back and reflect.
Is your happiness really defined by how it compares to another?
This time and age, I can honestly say it’s hard to feel happy. The rich options for material and even experiential happiness available out there is just too much. You can never own all the shoes you want. You can never try all the cool things. Dismissive much? I just think it’s true. We are limited by our resources, both time and money. And I think because of how we are evolving as a society–both as a consumerist and as a humanist society–the gap between things you’ve acquired or tried, and the things you have yet to, will never be bridged.
Last night, I got home thinking I’ve failed myself (or am failing myself). What have I been doing? I go to work, I go home. I try to meet friends, but I don’t really have a lot of friends to meet. The few I have, they’re busy with their lives too. So it can get a little challenging.
Or worst. I’d feel tired, whether literally or figuratively. Sometimes, I just want to hole up in one place. Sometimes I look forward to not saying a word for a whole day. I find it oddly satisfying to not interact with another person for a whole day. Though to be honest, and this is the case more often than not, that same oddly satisfying thing makes me sad.
The feeling of being alone is hard to brush off when you are literally alone. I’ve been living on my own for almost a full year now. I know because I had to request for a fresh contract from our building. It’s been really nice. It flew by so fast. I’m still not used to it. I know I still haven’t really settled. I’m still nesting. I’m still getting the hang of it.
I don’t know if there’s a widely accepted timeline for people to adjust into a solo-life. I’ve always been the clingy type. Earlier today while having breakfast, I was reminded by how much I want to have a pet dog. I miss having a pet. If I’m to include the time I moved out and lived with my then girlfriend, it’s been four years since I went home to a literal home: one with my human family and furry family.
I’m very sure I would one day get a pet of my own. I’m the type who needs to take care of another life. I don’t know what to call people like me.
So the past few days, I’ve been questioning my choices, not with regret, but more for better understanding because I feel like, I’m not a hundred percent okay with what I’ve been doing/I’ve done. The answers are scarce, and it really brings me down.
Then I hear people I care about are also not doing so well, that they’re scared too, that maybe they have mistakes that they need to fix or responsibilities that they need to meet too, and I feel completely unavailable and incapable.
That too me is the saddest thing.
That said, here’s a song that has been making me feel all the more blue and ruined.

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