Its’ been a while. I missed you. No truer words were ever spoken.
First I want to document what it looked like before D day*
*D day, in warfare, signifies when an important mission begins. How apt, if I may say.
June went by like a hurricane. One morning I was ecstatic that it’s finally here, and then next it’s gone. It just happened, just like that. But my goodness, did it happen.
Part of me wants to document the memory, scared I would forget, because I forget. I know I meant it when I told D, I will never forget the last week of June 2017, but I’m flawed as flawed could be. I try my best to keep what I can, so I post, I write, I put together bits and pieces of my life and form a puzzle, with hopes that in my little ways I can preserve the memories that shape my life. That was it, pretty much. A week that shaped my life.
Speaking of things that shaped my life last June, there was also the Britney in Manila concert… #yas
The look back
Since A, I try not to be melodramatic. I know I no longer have youth to blame for when I turn into a ball of feelings. I try to be more logical, composed. I try to be more adult, that’s how society would put it; but at the end of the day, in the safety of my home, I’m always reduced to just me (in matters of the heart). This affectionate, sympathetic, hopeful, trusting person. I am that girl.
When I get scared, I try to remember why I’m in that scary situation. Where did my choices lead me? Why did I even make those choices?
When I get scared, I try to find my center and reach an acceptance that no one can else give me, but me. I think as we grow older, it gets easier to blame things to other people and circumstances. It gets easier to not own up to our decisions because we expect ourselves to be smart, be better: too smart for that. But truth is, we’re all a process, a lesson to be learned in our each day.
Last June, I think I learned a little bit more about myself, which was enchanting. It’s nice to discover yourself a bit deeper as you live a more honest life–which to me is the only way for you to discover anything about who you are. That honesty, despite the possibility of being judged by other people, people who may or may not understand where you’re coming from and why you’re doing the things you’re doing, is one of the secrets to happiness. To live an honest life is a life of freedom. When you’re free of the demands of society, of other people, you become truly you. Last June, I allowed myself to live a little bit more honestly and I learned, wow, I am that girl. Hello, me.
So with the rainy season, I write to that girl because she deserves true care. (Song by James Vincent McMorrow)
Girl when you tried
and as you constantly move towards
that bright little light inside your mind
know that someone sees you
for your actions and intent
you are a vision
Girl when you rose
excited in the morning
curious what to serve for breakfast
sorry for not having coffee
know that someone can still taste you
your skin is a delight
Girl when you laughed
at the silliest things
turned yourself to be the youngest
in a room full of kids
know that someone has grown fond of you
you feel like music
Girl when you walked
as if you’re always chasing after someone
never running but steadfast and straight
know that someone is just behind you
you are the destination
Girl when you lay still
locked with another set of brown eyes
quiet with a mind that wanders
know that someone has been dreaming the same
you are the unfolding
Girl when you speak your mind
how the books shy away your thoughts
there are worlds inside your head
adventures someone wants to take
with you, for you, because you
Girl when you unraveled
cried yourself that night
joyful shaking, also scared
know that someone truly cared
be yourself, be brave