I feel so triggered by this song, Locked Away by Travis-Atreo. It fits so perfectly the negative feelings I’ve been having lately: bothered, scared, worried, insecure. Not that the heart is falling apart; it’s just that there are forces pulling me all over the place. I feel, a little bit, pained.
Yesterday, I was fortunate to have had the chance to meet with one of my good friends, and former boss at that, B. I love that our friendship transcended the whole professional realm, persisted through the years. It hasn’t been that entirely long, but there’s just so much quality in our interactions that I know that with her is a safe zone where I can unravel.
She knew something was up. She’s one of those people who just.knows.
It’s been a pretty difficult month for me, and I know it’s a long winding road from where I stand. Sometimes, when I try to look ahead of me, I get catatonic scared. I don’t know how I’m going to pull things through; but knowing me, I know I would do my best. I always do.
I’ve talked to a few people. D, K, B. I haven’t even spoken to M about what’s going on. I usually reserve her for the final stretch, because M has been through with me on so many things, I feel like as much as I can, I shouldn’t hassle her. Though, I know that she wouldn’t find me as a hassle. I know she loves me to the moon and back; but again, knowing me, I know I would try not to bother people with my drama if it can be helped.
I’ve spoken to D the entire time, and that has given me solace. Then, when finally it was time for K and I to break open the bottle of virtual wine, I spilled once more. After that, it was just bound to happen to run to B for more wisdom. As of late, they have been my circle of trust. Of course, I have with them V and C who both have given me guidance and support. I’m blessed with these great people, I can’t complain.
But it has been difficult, really. Not a complaint, but a declaration of a fact. I’ve been praying lately, and that in itself is a sign that something inside me is seeking help. I’m not a religious person but I’m a spiritual one, I mentioned this in a prior blog. It remains as a fact.
Trust is a difficult concept to wrap one’s head around on. Different people have different ways of granting trust. Some people, they let it build up. Some, they give it as a default and deduct from there. Often, I’m the latter–especially on a personal level. Professionally, I’m the former.
Trust is something I know I give people my gut tells me can be trusted–even without rational proof. Of course, people have their own unique ways of disappointing. It’s okay. Nobody’s perfect. Hardly have people kept 100% of my trust. That’s okay.
But there are blind trusts that I know I’m also willing to risk, especially for projects I’m passionate about. I remember some few years ago, I was talking to A, and she told me that she felt like she betrayed certain trusts just because it’s part of her job. In any company, there are pushes and pulls that changes and sometimes, while your boss has your best interest in mind (because of course your boss, if s/he’s worth the title, would want to grow you), sometimes the job gets in the way.
Remembering that conversation gives my butterflies. It was such a golden memory. So golden that my fridge has her Christmas card tucked. I will never forget what she told me. It’s a horcrux.
There are also blind trusts we give people we invest ourselves in because seriously, why invest if you won’t trust that things would pick up. Of course, there’s a thin line between trusting and hoping; but for me, that line doesn’t matter. My priority is to trust myself that I would make the
right choices good choices that I need to make.
I’ve been through a lot and trusting myself to do good hasn’t failed me, thus far. Not everyone CAN see through your intentions, actions, and plans. The most important thing though is that you do. Maybe you’re not sure that what you see is or can be real, that’s fine. For me, the important thing is you see things going somewhere, wherever that is.
And of course, trusting yourself that whatever happens, you’d just be yourself. (Be kind too, as much as possible, especially when it’s hardest.)