Just had another manic Monday. C-R-A-Z-Y but I still feel so thankful. I’m such a positive person, sometimes it’s borderline scary! In fact, I found myself asking today, why am I not afraid?
Anyway, today was also pretty filled by songs. I love it when my day is embraced by beautiful music. Music is a very important aspect of my life. I’m the type of person who’s always singing in her head (if not in IRL!)
I think music helps set the tone to my constantly in flux mood. Most of the time, I listen to winter songs. I love songs that are heavily accompanied by strings. But don’t get me wrong, the occasional touch of percussion really gets me too!
Today, I discovered this song, High by Young Rising Sons and it’s just perfect. It’s the perfect song to define how I’m feeling right now, especially after my heart-to-heart with V.
OK. The talk.
I’m just going to come clean at risk of sounding like a dramatic person. While I believe in the goodness of people, I don’t expect that goodness to be directed at me. I’ve had quite a difficult life. Lots of ups and downs, definitely not the worst life one can find, but also not the most ideal. Overall, I’m so thankful for the life I have lived thus far. It’s so colorful, a great story to tell, and unique! But, it still doesn’t change the fact that the way my life has panned so far, kindness (to me) is such a shooky thing.
I didn’t not expect V to be that sweet. If there were no other people, I would have hugged him and I don’t know, just sat quiet. Typing these thoughts now, and I’m welling up. I’m so unused to kindness (to me), and V definitely showered me with capital K-I-N-D-N-E-S-S. I cannot handle this.
I’m just so caught offguard–the best kind. I didn’t expect it, and I don’t know, call me crazy but it felt so heartfelt and sincere. That comes rare.
I’m so surprised because I’ve always seen myself as an outsider looking in. Then came along this person who said, kinda said, I’m not. That I’m more. And I’m just seriously so surprised (lack of words, very obvious) that conversation happened. What I heard from V… things I expected only to hear from M.
So my question… why am I not scared? My answers:
When you’ve been hurt–the great kind–all the other potential hurts don’t scare you anymore. It’s not because you’ve grown your skin thicker, it doesn’t hurt anymore. Most often than not, it can still hurt as much–maybe even more; but when you’ve been hurt–the great kind–you just know you can survive it.
When you know what you want, and you know for a fact that you want it with the best intentions, being afraid is the least of your concerns.
When you allow yourself to be scared, even if you’re scared, you get to do brave things, so much so it seems that you’re not afraid of anything… even if you are. You’re really scared. Your knees tremble. Your mind scatter. You’re scared like you’ve never been scared before.
This day. Some form of magic.