One more hour of waiting left and I’m on my way back home, that is if there won’t be any flight delays. I’m sitting front row, smack in front of the blind man playing his guitar here at Sibulan Airport in Dumaguete. That’s when I decided to write here because I want it to be my new tradition, me collecting my thoughts as I return to ground zero.
Okay, that may have sounded melodramatic. Sorry for that. But maybe give me a little break because I was supposed to go to Siquijor in this trip, instead I only stayed in Dumaguete. I had to cancel all my booking and plans in Siquijor, some of which were paid already, because weather wasn’t friendly. It’s okay. I have resigned to my fate. I can always come back, and I will definitely come back for Siquijor, just so that’s clear.
So throughout my Dumaguete trip, the song Sober came up over and over. Hands down, it deserves to be a part of this website–which coincidentally is celebrating its first year anniversary by next month! Wow!
I managed to curate 21 feelings in one year. That’s almost an easy 2 feral songs a month. I deserve a pat on the back!
So I think one year in, I should revisit why I started this website. Here goes…
I grew tired of beauty blogging. Don’t get me wrong, I still love beauty stuff. Talk skincare or lipstick with me and I go overdrive. Lately though, I’m very much into blushes. Crazy over blushes. Especially the pink ones! Who would’ve thought??
What happened? I didn’t give beauty blogging as much attention as I should’ve or better yet, used to. It just started losing its position as some central aspect of who I am. I wanted to be more, since I guess I was already convinced that I will always love beauty talks and can always come back to it after I discover more things about me.
That said, I started traveling. Traveling is the complete opposite of beauty, which was on its own remains to be a comfort zone. I went out. I invested on seeing places and experiencing things. I think I did a pretty good job last 2016, when I started hashtag #KumiGo. For someone who is uneasy leaving the comfort of her room, I was terrific. So amazing at it, people get surprised when I tell them how much I don’t really like traveling!
I always tell them, I just reached a point where I accepted the fact that traveling is integral to my growth. I need to see the world more, and I’m starting with my country. It’s cheaper–or at least more convenient for me. At least it’s a pretty decent baby step.
Last year was marked by Iloilo, Boracay (2), Guimaras, Bacolod, Cebu, Bohol, Sagada (2), Baguio (2), Bicol, Singapore, La Union, and Baler. This year, I have much to look forward to. It was supposed to start with a big bang, a bucket list destination (Siquijor!) but like I said, it didn’t work out as planned. It’s okay! I’m still keeping it positive!
Now about this trip. I feel like I was retracing an old lover’s steps as I went around Dumaguete. I won’t go into much details, but basically that was what this trip ended up like. It was nostalgic, and it made me miss E a little. On some occasions, I missed E a lot. Although I was alone, there were golden moments when I felt her presence cloud me. It was nice.
I also made a few mistakes here and there, and I cherish the lessons. I should really approach my trips with more preparedness if I want to maximize my leaves (and budget)! Next time!
UPDATE: there is zero visibility at the airport now, so sudden because earlier it was very sunny! I’m panicking of course. I’m so scared. Traveling scares the shit out of me.
Okay, bonus round. If you reached upto this part then I am happy to share with you the magic I’m referring to this little story below. Hope you like it. I have all my feelings there, masked by poetic justice. Thank you fiction.
You know the feeling when you’re reaching the end of a good book and you scramble for ideas to let it go on a little further? That’s what I have been doing the past few minutes. I have scanned through the previous chapters, pretended I misread a few parts, and then paused a short while just to reconnect what I read to what I’m reading. Much like how I behave when it comes to finishing my goodbyes, if you ask me. Here I am in front of a quiet beach and all I picture is an everlasting moment that I can only hope to stretch–should it ever have the chance to begin.
We are under a tree, with branches reaching for the ocean, as if it wants to also sail away. You sit on my right, still like the blue sky. I know if I try I would see you staring into the distance with a destination in mind; but I don’t. I focus on your feet, buried in the sand as mine. I take it that’s your way of saying you’d stay (with me). I wonder if you know that staying still like this was my way of saying I’d go anywhere (with you).
We woke up almost together. Did we go on a date in our dreams? Your face was only a few inches away mine. We smelled almost vaginal, which I liked. It took us eight hours to get to our room, traffic wasn’t on our side. When we got here it was just dinner, shower, and bed for us. Of course you managed to catch a bit of news before sleeping. You always wanted to know what else is going on; while I managed to find a space between your arm and your chest. It wasn’t the most comfortable for both of us but it felt right. You allowed me because of all people you know that I would go with these feelings. You know it wasn’t intentional to leave your arms cramping with my heavy head on it. You know I would sleep in a matter of seconds anyway, then it would be alright to let me roll to my own pillow, free you from me. I think in our own little quiet way we know we have a way of working things out–down to the most mundane things.
A stray dog started to walk her (?) way towards us. You took my hand, don’t panic, you said. I’m not really afraid of dogs but since my bite I guess an irrational fear creeps up. You weren’t generally a fan of animals but one of us has to be firm in situations like this. So you take the role and I let you–just like you let me guide you through a noisy crowd.
I really like this, I said.
This is all you, you replied.
And I kiss your pointy shoulder, buried my face between your neck to smile. I’d love to think this is all us, I wanted to say. But I only whispered, you’re silly. You’re so silly.
Amidst the gentle sun and the soft sea breeze, I felt you grow mountains in me. I was reaching the highest point from where we sat. Sparkling sand on our asses, a song on repeat. Snow and lights, I asked for it. It must’ve looped at least 10x when it became impossible to notice. Time was stretching before us and we were just there motionless.
I remember, flashback to the months when I hated your guts (youpieceofshit), all I wanted was to see you, maybe prove to myself that no you’re not what I have made you up to be. And I can only imagine that maybe in those months you were thinking, (fuck) this girl who just don’t know how to take a hint.
But you basked on it, don’t you dare lie to me. You liked my attention. You liked how I lifted you high. And now that you stepped down from the pedestal of my own doing, we are equals and it feels just right. I have imagined this moment maybe too many times to actually have counted, but now that it’s here, I am stunned by how much better real can be. Right now I think I am sure I would chase you every day if a chase is what you want. But you breathe next to me, so reassuring, and you sometimes look at me so sincerely, as if you’re saying we’re together now.
So before I lose the moment, now that our eight minute song is about to end (again), I just want to say I couldn’t have been ready for you. You are the percussion I have missed, and each version of you I meet leaves me thumping from the inside. I love the you who is kind to workers. I love the you who knows my coffee more than I do. I love the you who is really just a kid if I look closely. I love the you who I would gladly grow old with if you let me.
God, the universe loves me.
Then you smiled at me, so quiet as always, and you kissed my forehead, your lips light as a feather.
No, I love you. The Universe has nothing.