This is where I write to myself, tell me that I’m not leaving without my entirety.
This year is a blur. From the many ways people have disappointed me (Philippine elections, US elections, general disregard of basic humanity, etc) to the many ways I disappointed myself (jumping in and out of relationships, giving too much too soon, general disregard of how my carelessness hurt), this year showed exemplary ways of shit. Eerie because since high school, I knew “16” to be my unlucky number. I really should’ve known better.
But instead of enumerating the many ways this year sucked, I want to take a step back and appreciate the really awesome things that happened.
You did good
It was tough. You felt things you didn’t know existed. You asked questions you didn’t know you had. There were quite a nunber of times you scrambled, maybe even lost parts of yourself in the process, but you did good. Look at you now. You’re more collected. A lot has changed about you, true, but that only means you thrived. You’re a process. More than a work in progress, you’re a story and this year you have written chapters upon chapters of good ones to tell.
Be a little more gracious, please
So you know your limits, great. You have pushed yourself against walls this year and look at you unscathed, or maybe just mildly bruised. Great.
But be careful next time, please. If there’s one thing you learned this year, it’s this:
Not because you could, you should. Not because there’s more to give, you do. Not because you are capable, you try.
I know you believe that everything is an opportunity and that you’re wired to grab these chances by the neck. It’s okay. That’s who you are. You’re the person who dares. Maybe just dare a little more cautiously next time? Don’t forget how fragile you are. You may be wild, but you’re delicate as well.
Find your anchor
Whether it’s your home, oh how you nested in 2016, or a person whom you may have yet meet, take root. Build a home. Love your home. Anchor yourself in your home so you don’t find yourself lost in your own crazy. You are an unpredictable piece of work, let’s just accept that. But that doesn’t mean you can’t or don’t deserve a stand still.
You want that. Don’t forget how much you cried when the girl planted a tree for Leon. You want to take root. Don’t be afraid to do so. You can do it on your own. Build a home and anchor yourself. For the longest time, you have found your way via people with whom you have entangled important parts of you with. These people, they paint your evening sky making the dark a little (sometimes a lot) lovely to look at, I agree. But this time around, let yourself be your north star. You deserve to be home. You deserve to always find your way back to you. Anchor yourself and maybe someday, whenever you’re ready or perhaps when you just feel like it, you can invite someone on your boat and you can both sail away.
2016 was wild. Things happened, both things you didn’t know you wanted as well as things you wish never to remember.
But remember the year. Remember the lessons. Remember the time you enjoyed wasting.
Remember how you tell people, I only want to be chosen.
Remember how in 2016, though it came later than ideal, you did. You put yourself first and chose you.
Song for this feeling: Roses by Carly Rae Jepsen