Between Years

Self-awareness. I worked (and am working hard) for that; and I don’t know what you heard but once you’ve cracked that open, there’s no turning back. Even if you change, being self-aware of your growth will keep you on your toes, and just the same, center you.

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I am a woman of noise. Not only am I a loud person, both audibly and personality, I am also a mind that wanders; thus a river of noise that I realized earlier on that I should just allow to flow. People like us, those who think too much, tend to hoard thoughts inside our heads that it’s inevitable to just combust. I reached that point, OUAT. Now, I allow myself to release, to surrender if I may.

Those who know me, know me truly, maybe 2-3 people who aren’t blood-related, would know that in my long list of adjectives would be kind and savage. I love the contrast. It’s like I was born with a push and pull inside me–like the ocean.

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I am a kind person. I can’t hep but give what I can, and if I can give more, I would. I’m not talking simply about material things. Included in the things I am open-hearted in giving is trust, understanding, empathy, and on occasion, my time. I try not to count. My goal in life is to be able to share the most that I can because sharing makes me happy. No matter how fleeting the connections I make in those opportunities to share, I cherish. I don’t really wish to keep everything within reach. That would be too much, especially at the rate of experience I want to submerge myself into.

Part of that kindness is my respect for life, for people, and for the differences that defines both the lives and the people I meet. For me, that’s my definition of being kind; when you respect that we are all going through something (good or bad), and then when you practice your humanity by sharing what you can (and sometimes should) to make those stories better.

Of course, if anyone would disagree and say that I’m not a kind person, it’s okay. I’m not a story of perfection. I’m sure I have had my wrongs in my list. But my self-awareness has brought me into knowing and accepting that my nature is kindness. Now throw in that aside from kindness being embedded into my system, that I also actively and consciously am trying to be kind, I think I’m good.

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It’s hard. It’s easier to be unkind sometimes. But if my experiences are any indication, I know that it is when it is hardest to be kind that you should be more of it.

Now about being savage, you know, for such a word with bad image, savage feels beautiful in the mouth when spoken. I think that’s really the case eh? Sometimes bad things just are so so good.

So in the past years I would always refer to myself as a bitch. I know we should all stop calling ourselves and each other the bitch word, but for the lack of a better term, I went with it.

However, recent events introduced me to the word savage as a word for my behavior. I can get pretty savage, on the contrary to my being kind-hearted. When you wrong me, or wrong those I love, I am savage. When I have lost all care for you–because while I do care about people, it’s not eternal–I am savage.

I feel like I’d rather hurt you than tiptoe around your feelings, especially when in the process I hurt myself or other people who matter more. Let’s just be honest, really. There is a hierarchy to our feelings and attention. If you’re at the bottom of that food chain, looking up, of course you position yourself to feeling disappointment, and somehow, feeling savagely removed of your entitlements, if you’re feeling entitled that is; and if not, you can still feel savagely robbed of your aspirations. It’s okay. It’s human nature.

I also like removing people from my life. If you’re a shit person, I want none of it.

People who think I’m a shit person, I also want them to haveΒ none of me.

I think life is about finding your center, beyond just balancing the forces that pushes and pulls you into a reaction. Like the ocean, life is a mystery mix of hot and cold. We as borrowers of time, we should remember to dive into ourselves too.

Self-awareness grants a perspective that is framed by your core, what makes you who you are, whether that is love or hate. Take a time off, get to know your goodness and accept the devils in your head.

Then with the awareness, take your ship to places. Navigate your life the way you think right–the way you think you should.

Be unapologetic, that’s what I learned when I turned 27.

Closing in another birthday, I face it as a story of imperfection. Fuck perfect. I’m an ocean and I’m here for my best chances.

Always,

K

Song for this feeling:Β Take by Echos

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