Stuck in traffic, One by Ed Sheeran suddenly played from my Spotify music library. Ed Sheeran is some kind of a master in writing these catchy, raw, sad, hopeful love songs. Another Ed song I just can’t handle is Photograph. But today, the morning is painted by this melody.
I remember one time A and I was talking…
Y asked me to marry…
What did you say?
I said yes.
I’ve had most (if not all my girlfriends) ask me to spend ‘the rest of my life’ with them. I can’t really call it marriage because the option isn’t available in the Philippines, but a semblance of it. Something like domestic partnership, but romanticized.
I’ve mapped out a fridge, dreamed of building libraries, travelling, growing old together (chilling at the porch with candy-colored hair moving to US on different occasions. There’s no direction right? I just kept on saying yes, yes, I do!
Not that I was forced. I’m sure I wanted to. It’s not a well thought of wanting, plus half (more than) of those decisions I made when I was a kid, but I’m sure at some point, I wanted to. Who wouldn’t want to secure spending the rest of their life with someone dear?
Yesterday, I was thinking “Timing is everything.” No matter how perfect the person, how the muses insist, even if the stars dictate it, if the timing is flawed, it’s not going to happen.
For example, with A, I felt so ready and more importantly, willing before. I think she was too. For a period in our relationship, we were both so committed. It was a long period mind you, not just a hiccup. But we got tired. The distance strained. I strayed. She found shinier things. The timing was bad. No one was able to strike when we were ripe.
Then came Y, who treated me like a dream come true. She found me at my lowest and I guess I needed to feel like I’m not some dim light. She gave that to me. She gave and wanted everything. I took what I believed I deserved. I gave the little I could. I held back so many times, not only because I was unsure, but also because I kept on choosing myself. I kept on choosing what I was sure of (A), even if time and again we’ve proven our talent in failing each other.
So that too, was a disaster: from being both ready but unable, to not being ready while the other was.
“Even when I detach, I care. You can be separate from a thing and still care about it.” —David Levithan, The Lover’s Dictionary
Now, I think I’ve gathered enough of myself to know what I want and reach for what I want to make out of my life–a semblance of being ready cause it’s time. It’s my time.
I just wonder, and this is why I’m anxious, if indeed it’s a cycle, then it means whoever my next partner is, then she’s not ready. The opposite of my situation with Y. Knowing how that turned out, I’m not very excited.
But since I’m an optimist, at least after ‘now’s impending disaster’ I’m back to square one. The one where we’re both ready? I’m looking forward to that, whoever wherever whenever that story brews. Because I have learned my lesson. When I find myself ready, when she is, I will go all in as I used to. I will strike.
Song for this feeling: One by Ed Sheeran